There is an exception to the thoughts that I shared in the previous post.  I had stated that I felt that ANY research is questionable to me....because we don't know if the person who wrote it is:  1- credible and 2- with/without a cause of their own (whether they're conscious of it or not). And... 3- Where did this person get their research from? ANOTHER person's research?  Was THAT researcher credible or with/without a cause of THEIR own?

I think you get where my mind is at on that aspect of things.  In the end though, once you've looked at it thoroughly, you're going to have to go inside yourself as to whether this new information is true or not. 

So this is where my exception to this rule lies....
If you have two sides to a story - as in the case of the LDS Church being true or not...and the researchers on BOTH sides say the same thing.....I think that is likely very believeable.   It is in this case that you don't have to weigh whether that fact is actually true or not, that is already established.  But you WILL still have to measure what you know for yourself to be true with whether that piece of new information matches with your own belief system or not.  This may involve prayer, pondering, more researching, and logic.  Everyone goes through this process differently.

If you decide that the new information you've learned matches your beliefs, then you can add that to your current belief system.  However, if the new information you've discovered does not match with what you believe...a shift in where you stand may need to take place. 

This is what happened to me.

There is HOURS and HOURS and HOURS of research out there in the world, that can either prove to you that the LDS church is true or false.  Really....who are we to believe ANY of this research?  How do we know that the person writing for/against the church was certified to write what He/She wrote?  How do we know that THEIR sources for their conclusions are believable?  And so on, and so on.   You could completely convince yourself that the church is false in about one hour of reading online...if you were willing to believe the sources cited.  They claim to be unbiased....they claim to be without cause.  But are they?  The same goes for any claim online that the church is true.  You could find compelling evidence after compelling story about what "proves" it 's truthfulness to others.   Where-in does the truth lie? 

I believe that the answer can only be found in one place...Your Heart. 

Let's talk about my upbringing as a "Mormon". 

I've gone to a Mormon church since I was very young. 
I remember my baptism day, my confirmation, and attending Primary.  I remember my Mother having the missionaries pick my older brother and I up to take us to church.  She thought it was important we have some sort of spiritual upbringing, although she herself had not attended any type of religious church service, since the early nineteen seventies. 

I always loved church.  People there were good to me and most of my friends attended the same ward as I did.  I found a connection with the teachings there and I studied the Book of Mormon, sang the songs, and followed my lessons. 

My brother fell away from the church as he approached his teens, but I continued going.  My Mother was always extremely supportive of both of us - allowing us the choice of whether to go or not.  I got up faithfully, on my own, as an 8-year-old and went.  That surprises me when I look back...because I have never, ever, been a morning person.  To get myself up, get ready, and attend church alone...was almost certainly an act of God all on it's own. 

At age 11 or 12, an experience happened to me that would only solidify my thoughts that I was on the right path and in the right religion.  It was a horrible experience as much as it was a positive one.  I'll talk more on that later.  But through my teens, I continued on as a devout LDS youth.  I held high positions in my Young Women's Presidencies, I attended weekly youth activities, church on Sunday, and summer youth camps.  All but a few of my closest friends were LDS, and I thrived in belonging and in my beliefs.  My goals included graduating high school, going to college, being an LDS girl's camp counselor, meeting my "prince", and marrying him in the Salt Lake Temple.  We would have a family and live happily, ever after. 

Life did play out in almost exactly that manner....with another horrible -yet positive- religious experience added in between my college years.  (We'll talk about that later, too.) 

All in all, I stayed active and faithful up until a year following my divorce.  That's when I began questioning if I was in the right place.  Having spent 33 years believing the same way, in the same things, and for the same reasons...I haven't been sure that I want to give up ALL of it.  However, I wasn't sure I could remain a part of it anymore either. 

I'm a woman.  I'm thirty-something. I believe in God.  I have always been spiritually strong.  I've spent all but the last two years of my life, as a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints ("LDS" and "Mormon" are also common terms for this religion). However, I'm struggling religiously.

This blog will be a "journal" of sorts, into my thoughts and heart, as I go through the process of either entirely leaving the religion I've always known -- or possibly finding my way back to it.   This blog will be a window into what I believe, what I do not believe, and what I can/can't deny.  This blog will be an exploration of what I have learned in the two years since I have been pulling away from my Mormon roots. 

Daily, sometimes hourly, I am searching my soul's "soup" for what truly, deeply, completely defines "Me."  Grab a bowl of your own soul's soup and stay awhile.